i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
