oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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