Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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