got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
