I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize