Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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