Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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