My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
