Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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