Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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