oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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