Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
