i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
