when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
