my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
