I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
