I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize