So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
