Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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