New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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