Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
