This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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