I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
