Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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