Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Randomize
