I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The power of my boobs compel you
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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