census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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