Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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