im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
