my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
