the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
