I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
