let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
