Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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