watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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