John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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