Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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