I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
