I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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