you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
