i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
