FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize