god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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