Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
