Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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