I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
