you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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