that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
