She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
