I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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