No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
