Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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