sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
