Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
