I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
