Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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