if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize