we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
