I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wear drunk well.
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