Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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