im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
