I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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