Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
