hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
