I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
