I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
