There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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