thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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