My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
